“I Did the Best I Could…”

“If you could do it over, what would you do differently as you raised your children?” I asked this question of my 80-year-old mother.

Without hesitation, she responded, “I’d hug them more and praise them and tell them more often that I love them.”

After a few moments she added: “I know I made mistakes. I’ve come to accept them. I also trust that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. I’ve learned to say, ‘I love you,’ to my children and grandchildren.”

Mom came to terms with her past, especially letting go of the cautions from her mother and the parish priest to avoid spoiling her children by overt and frequent expressions of love. Mom changed what she could and accepted what she could not change. New learnings, examples of other mothers and dads, modeling by her children, modifying her thinking and actions, and forgiving herself for what she regretted all contributed to her softened heart. Appreciative and caring words, hugs, and an assurance of “I love you” at the end of a phone conversation became characteristic of her new freedom and re-formed heart.

Each of us welcomes some parts of our lives while shutting the door on others. We are challenged to keep all doors open to heal, reconcile and build relationships we resist. Often these shifts call for opening to grace, the loving presence and action of God, available in our daily experiences. Repeatedly we receive opportunities to be the loving self we aspire to be. For example, we know the awkwardness and pain of miscommunication. We are embarrassed by our defensive reactions to our children, students, coworkers, neighbors. Impatience can take over during inconsequential situations. After all, what’s really important about someone leaving the cap off the toothpaste, of a neighbor retelling the same joke several times as if he’s never told me before, of a friend giving advice rather than listening to me, or of a spouse procrastinating grocery shopping? Such situations open the door for us to receive graced opportunities for ourselves, those near us and those in the broader world. Each invites us to do the best we can with what we know at the time.

Mary Reuter, OSB

Photo: An adult holding a young child’s hand.