My Mother Died But She’s Still With Me

I lost my dear mother, Maria Cristina, on October 2, Feast of the Guardian Angels…

The day your mom dies, you start wondering and questioning things you never imagined you would. Things you couldn’t even think about before she died and probably never would have until after you lost her.

You wonder where she is a million times a day from the very second she leaves and all the minutes after she’s gone.

You wonder if she’s somewhere nearby or really far away because sometimes you can feel it both ways.

One minute you have to catch your breath because you feel her so near, it’s as if you could touch her. You wake up from a dream and feel as if you just spent time with her.

Then the next it’s as if you can’t feel her at all. It’s as if the day she left she went so far away that you can’t even remember the feel of her hug or the warmth in her silence.

You wonder if she hears you when the tears are falling so hard and you can’t catch your breath to call her name, but you wonder if she hears you through the tears.

You wonder if she knows how much you miss her and how the days feel like years sometimes without her here.

You wonder if she would be here if she could.

You wonder if she sees you looking up to the sky, searching for her in the heavens.

You wonder if she’s missing you, waiting for you, trying her best to send you signs that she’s okay now and hasn’t forgotten about you.

You wonder so many things about her when you lose her…

You wonder if she knew just how much you loved her and how much you were going to miss her…

Then one day you’ll realize that it’s okay to wonder but you’ll find in time that she doesn’t wonder at all because even before she left you, she knew a part of her would always stay alive in you.

Because a mother’s love never dies and even though you’ll always wonder where she is, one day you’ll learn that she is right wherever you are because you are forever her child.

Mariana Martinez

Photo: Sunlight peeking through the trees, taken by Sister Laureen Virnig